Hi!

[Xeras]

Hey, I am new around here, and been waiting around to get a Christian account, but alas it is has not happened yet. (Though I do understand why, it isn't that hard.)

So I am going to share about myself.

I have been a Christian since I was a wee boy. I went to church, because at the time my understanding was that is what all good boys do, and also I really liked snack time. xD After my eight birthday the pastor further explained to me the accepting Jesus in my heart to have my sins forgiven. Of course I said yes, though at that time I didn't fully understand the concept. I got baptized a few months later, though still not understanding the meaning nor that Jesus was someone I could have a relationship with.

I kept going to that church until I moved away. At the time I moved I was still regularly attending Church, once on Saturday, once on Sunday, With Drama practice on Friday nights (a short skit for us kids on Sundays) and choir on Wednesdays (Though I still can't really sing)

In Yreka it didn't take me long to start going to the church across the street. Well more or less on Sunday nights... because it was like Sunday School but at night. But mostly because of the games we played and little knick knacks we would sometimes win. A couple years when I was 14 I think they formed a youth group. Went and started to learn about what I should be living like and a whole lot more. My faith and religious knowledge grew, and met people too, like a certain girl.

Then when I was 15 I moved to Fort Jones, just 16 miles away. Spent the summer not going to church. Started up my sophomore year, and got invited to the youth group. Heh. The first time I went it was like a zoo, but it felt... more comfortable. It didn't seem like people were staring at me, or judging me, etc. Unfortunately the youth pastor went out the window while playing red rover inside though. (Red Rover inside... asking for disaster eh?)... Youth group got cut short because of this... still kept up with church 2-3 times a week after that but still blissfully (maybe) unaware of a relationship with God.

The following year when I was a junior the eight graders from Yreka or something.. I forgot came over. I Was seen the previously fore mentioned girl again... but this time it wasn't as cool. The kids were picking on her, so I hung out with her as much I could while she was there. School got out, and she was waiting for the transit bus Between Fort Jones and Yreka to come by herself so I decided to wait with her. This is when my ideology of the Christian Faith got turned around. She said to me, "Do you have a relationship with Jesus?" and I was confused so she explained it to me. So I prayed for a relationship. Then I blindly promised I would wait with her for the bus, forgetting that I got an hour early that day, and wouldn't be able too. I still kick myself for that one. (Unfortunately, and off-topic, we got a flood a few years later, and she drowned cross a stream to still get to her grandmother's house. I wish I had gotten to talk to her more.)

Then came March. And Acquire the Fire. I couldn't afford it, so the church payed for me to go. There I built relationships, got educated and seriously rededicated my life to Jesus. IIRC, they had a play over the couple of days it was there, and it was about people that had no names, just numbers, because, they were hiding, I think, but I forgot in all honesty. I just remember them being 'Unshakable' I Really wish I could remember it, but, unfortunately I do not.

Then the following month came the Mission trip to Mexico to Rancho de sus Ninos. Hearing stories of it the previous year, and my conviction then of being a missionary I went. And I learned more about myself then I taught the people there about Jesus. While we was there we would help at the orphanage (mixing cement, carrying drywall upstairs and things) and during the evening we would go to the area around Tecate and Tijuana.

Summer came, and I was invited to work at the camp nearby on salt team. And it was fun meetin Kids, and entertaining them. I didn't want to leave. But then Friday came, and it was time to go home for the weekend. (it was a six week thing) I got home... and I was informed I couldn't continue to work at camp because I had summer school... and that meant I had to spend time around my alcoholic father... and I didn't want to... so I wandered in to garage and browsed around, looking at chemicals. One of the labels said avoid digestion because it would burn the organs... sounded painful. then I found a gallon jug of green stuff. Smelt it and it smelled sweet, so it was antifreeze. I had heard that it could kill cats with just a lick, and that it tasted sweet. So I tipped it up and drank... at least a good 8 ounces maybe as much as 12. And then just... went to bed.

I was woke up several times during the night, vomiting. Each time I woke up I was dizzier that the first. By 10 the next morning I was completed spun. It was sorta like watching a drunk person. I would sway this and then that way. And I started convulsing. So I went on the Internet into a chat room and told the room that I was convulsing and stuff and they did was say go die and stuff, as if I was making it up. So I logged off and went back into the living and fell asleep. At about 10:45 the youth pastor asked if my sister would like to go to summer camp because they had raised fund for her. I told him I didn't know and and let him go.

Then I started thinking. Is this God trying to tell me something? so I called him back, and asked if I could come over, and he did not object. He said to me Chris what is wrong, so seem really weird, so I told him, and he rushed me to the E.R., where they forced me to drink Vodka, because somehow it seems to counter the poison in antifreeze. I wouldn't drink it because it tasted gross, and just fell asleep. Next thing I know, it is two days later, with a tube down my throat, and 60 miles away in Medford with some type of alcohol in a IV tap.

The hospital shrink basically told my mother without attention, I would attempt this again, and I should see a shrink where I lived. I did once. And that was it.

Hmm... Next few years same old going to church. And my friend brought a new girl to church, I was 18 and she was 21 I instantly fell in love. I was shy, and distant, and not knowing how to talk to ladies, so instead I would 'tease' her but she thought I was purposely insulting her (as far as I know we are both bipolar, I might be wrong though). That Christmas Eve, in the spirit of Love Hina, I confessed my feelings for her, and was just told "I am too old for you". This depressed me... So for the time I cut.

Though this was not the 'I need attention' cutting. It was more or less "I need to punish myself". And that was all. for a month or three....

This is where it my exponentially increases both positively and negatively. I was House-Sitting for my doctor, and asked for a ride the girl I still had a crush on to give me a ride to church. And she said she would, but it reality she never showed up. I got a ride a with another friend, and directly after church, I walked home very depressed. I went into my trailer and broke a light bulb and stabbed myself with little shard on my wrist until it started to bleed. And Thus my true cutting began. It got to points where I would cut multiple times a day and practically everyday. My friends would get mad at me, because each time I did it, they felt as if I was doing it as attention, but ultimately he said all I did was hurt him and asked me to stop talking about it. I tried and tried to stop, but would fail.

Then a guy moved into Yreka. He and his wife had a young adult service (I was 19 at this time) with his wife. His wife is a prophet, and he a preacher. And I started attending his service, and grew dramatically. With him and his wife I discovered my gifts... prayed out loud a few times... seen things that some of you would say is debatable, so I won't go into that, unless asked, and am promised I won't be made fun of. Actually felt the Holy Spirit, (Though the time at Festival Con Dios is the most influence I had, but that is a different tangent).

I got my Job at Carl's Jr. on July 6th, 2004. and I was stil; cutting at that time. Uh. July 9th, I went to work and got off at four. Walked over to my friend's place of work, to hang out until he got off, to go to small group with him. He basically told me to find somewhere else to go because he didn't me to get in trouble for being there nearly four hours. I felt really depressed so I took off, and walked to the gas station to load up on caffeine. ( Again I am Bipolar, do the math.) and went up onto the mountain. I was completely out of it after a while, and the next thing I know I am in front of the previously mentioned girl's house fighting with my friend.

After a while I was able to stop cutting, but I kept getting dramatically depressed, thought not doing anything truly destructive to myself.

Then in May of I think 2005 I was invited to go to Medford with my Friend, because he needed boots because he was going to work at the Camp nearby, but he had to take a job with horses because that was the only opening. We met the girl I had a crush on up there... and strange awkward heavy pressure was gone... and that was the first time a girl actually seemed to be interested in me. (Notice seemed, not was) and I was happy, I thought that maybe I would finally be able to date her.

The following week we and decent sized group of kids went to Redding to a Christian Concert like thing. This was a place, and they was doing body art stuff... My crush went first, and the painted who was a prophet told her she a saw an image of a flower dropping a seed or two. Then My friend, something about a sword, or something, but I honestly forgot. Then It was my turn and she seen an exploding heart, and that is what I got on my arm. An exploding purple heart. Then it was time to eat... and there was a cup in my pocket I forgot about and it leaked on her Scion's seat, and I got yelled and got depressed. I managed to butcher my arm with a pinecone, as I had no means of cutting.

The next week we was at church and I was following her, and waiting for her to be alone so I could talk to her and apologize, but then she said for me to stop following her because it was scaring her. So in nervousness and in depression I asked if she had any antifreeze. Luckily she didn't.

We and my friend met up the night and I said thank you for not having any antifreeze, and she looked confused. My friend knew exactly what I was talking about and got mad. Then she learned about what I did when I was sixteen. and... It exploded. I lost all her trust. All of her trust.

And I was still getting depressed, and it was in my head that she was the only one I could talk to because my friend was away at camp... and that didn't work. She would ignore me, so one night I called her multiple times. And then two weeks later I was delivered a restraining order... thus effectively kicking me out of church for a month or two. I was told that it also suggested by the pastor and youth pastor. So my relationship with God went blooooo. I cussed at God, and told him to go away. I blamed God for what happened to my friendship, and that he hated me, which is obviously not true.

So the next two years nothing major with God, infact I spent most of my time running from him.

Then on July 23, 2007, she wrote me... and we are on semi good terms... but my relationship with God is still the same... perhaps a little better... I am not completely running away... though I am being quite neutral at the same time... I hope to get back to a steady relationship with God one day.... Close enough to hear what he to say.. close enough to hear where he wants me to go.... close enough to hear what he wants me to do....

Thank you for reading my big wall o text... if you have questions ask please. I am always looking forward to fellowship.

-Chris

[EnderGate]

Your still breathing! God's understanding is higher than ours.

[gardner]

Absolutely! You are still here, and probably not by accident . We all go through really hard times, even with ourselves, and we all learn and grow from it.

[KingReef]

Chris,
Hi. I am new here, but not to God. You said that I could ask questions, so let me ask!

Why do you cut and harm yourself? Please don't say that it's because you are bipolar. I have a suspicion that you hate yourself. If you do hate yourself. your life, even the way others react to you, welcome to the club. I too hate myself.

[Xeras]

First off, I apologize for posting in the the introductions forum, but the only way to reply to Kingreef's question is to post in this forum, because it is the only forum I have permissions to post in. Not that I complaining, I understand the reasons for restricting new users.

Ok, So then kingreef, in my Testimony thread you asked why I Cut.

The answer is, well I don't cut anymore, still have some desires, and I am not going to brush it off as 'Attention' or 'I was feeling down'. In all honest from my experience, depression does not make you take physical actions, so that would be a lie anyway.

The reason I started was... well the first time it was punishing myself... and also A few times after that. Then after I was doing it for a while I realized I was no longer doing it because I wanted to punish myself, but I was actually addicted. I wanted to stop but I couldn't.

Uh.. the reason cutting got into my head... I think it was because one of my ex-girlfriends told me about it, so it didn't seem so far off. Though honestly after thinking about it for a while I honestly cannot tell you a valid reason that I thought it would be okay. I will ponder more on it and make another post if I can think of a more valid reason.

[DevonR]

"The hospital shrink basically told my mother without attention, I would attempt this again, and I should see a shrink where I lived. I did once. And that was it. "

(my school made me see a psychologist, but they haven't changed any of my views, I eventually just gave up and lied since they said I am living in a fantasy world, however, the bible explains perfectly of my problems and Christ has solved them for me, I won't delve into this because my problems are not yours)

Psychologists are not good! I do not agree with their views, most of them exclude God out of the picture, and tend to base their theories on basic behavoir and functions of the brain, no science textbook will help someone with a problem.
(David J. Stewart had some articles about psychology and how it's evil)

Do NOT cut yourself, demons are tempting you to do so and they will not stop until you profess to Yeshua and become reborn.
(basic cognitive skills to reject cutting yourself only go so far, to cure a problem you must find the ROOT of it; and that is Satan). If you turn from God, then you are allowing satan as your new master since the opposite of God is, you guessed it: satan.

And don't drink anti-freeze because someone doesn't like you, and if they don't FORGIVE you when you asked for forgiveness, then they are BREAKING God's commandment of forgiving EVERYONE who asks. (even if they don't you should still forgive them). The bible says, if someone slaps you on the face, turn your other cheek so they may slap it; in other words forgive them and even go beyond that. However, I cannot say I have done this, for I am a sinner. But as you walk more and more with Christ this values become easier and more blatant.

My friend, turn to yeshua for salvation and accept that he died for you on the cross, ask for forgiveness and admit that you are a sinner needing him. If you don't, killing yourself will not end your problems; burning in hell for an eternity won't be good, especially having a painful life of drinking antifreeze and cutting yourself.

Questions just ask, we are all here for you.

[StrataXIII]

I agree with DevonR here.

Just turn to God. Ask him to help you fix your problems like cutting yourself, and get an accountability partner. A Christian one. They can really help you out. Paul even tells us to have them.

God Bless

[DevonR]

gnidni

I agree with DevonR here.

Just turn to God. Ask him to hFelp you fix your problems like cutting yourself, and get an accountability partner. A Christian one. They can really help you out. Paul even tells us to have them.

God Bless

Indeed, don't go after someone just because you like them on the outside, you should rather like who they are on the INSIDE. Finding someone who matches your personality and beliefs is the wisest of choices, opposed to just randomly selecting to date someone just because you like their appearance... You will have a divorce quicker than you can say... "divorce"!

[angelbein]

Hello Chris!!!

Well, just after I typed your name, the letter "T" naturally was typed by my fingers (maybe because I type Christ and Christian a lot in this forum) So instead of Christ, I deleted "T". Your name is wonderful.

Anyway, to be frank, I noticed your story seems to be centered in interpersonal relationships and I obviously felt that you were focused in running after the girl of your life. Well, in all honesty, we can't say that in all we do, we please everyone - it's not.

I think the reason why you cut yourself before is because your focus was not toward God, rather toward men. Remember, we are not pleasing men but God. We please men because we love God. The Great Commandment is: Love God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul and with all your strength. And the Second Greatest Commandment is: Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

You know, you cannot interchange the two, loving others before God is against God. The "Ten Commandments" can be classified into two categories: The first half is centered toward God and the other half toward men. So you must really base your faith on God alone, even if people forsake you or humiliate you, your greatest Comforter is God..

God must not only be a source of spiritual ecstasy or miraculous emotional sensation but rather be a source of everyday guidance in all we do whether during times of hurts and frustrations or joy and comfort.

Read the Holy Scriptures for His guidance. Your pastor may not be true but you can be assured that God's Word is true.

God bless brother Chris.

[snow36]

I agree with what most said on this forum, just keep your trust into God, and if a girl is not not liking you then maybe she is not for you... God has a special person for you to be your wife and you will eventually find her, dont punish yourself if someone says no or insults you, instead just drop it and go on with your life, I understand that is not always easy but that is all you can do... just trust in God and pray for him to help you with your problems... again drinking anti freeze and cutting does not solve anything, it only makes it worse, infact you are hurting yourself for nothing, jut trust that God will help you and go on with life... may God bless you